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Dear Boris

Someone in Camden wants to have a word about the coppers

Published on January 11th 2012.


Dear Boris

Dear Boris,

Cop a load of these coppers, Boris. They are too PC to be pcs...

Nice as it is, Boris, to see old Pc Plod back on the streets – we never saw many before the riots except when they were flashing around in their panda cars wailing away fighting virtual crime.

You remember, I am sure, when the London bobby would show old ladies the way, sort the traffic out, cuff a yobbo round the ear and take notes of suspicious activities in their little books? Good old days, eh Boris? The London bobby was an icon, as reliable as a red telephone box (and what happened to them anyway?)

These guys who have come out on the street now though, they look like they have been eating too many kebabs. They are not, how can I put this, in a proper condition for policing.

These guys who have come out on the street now though, they look like they have been eating too many kebabs. They are not, how can I put this, in a proper condition for policing. They don’t look like they could police a lingerie sale in Selfridges. Scruffy, even, trousers too long, dirty boots, uniforms that don’t fit, need a decent hair cut and a shave. No respect either, they just stand around chatting to each other like they have been beamed in from Marbella. Not a part of the manor as it were, if you get my drift. Not a black one among them for a start. Nor a brown nor a yellow one.  How racist is that?

And was it not always a requirement in the police force that officers should be five feet eight tall? Frankly Boris, some of these guys look a bit short on the inches. Even centimeters. As to the girls, well some of them might manage five foot eight around the waist – not much use chasing a villain up a drainpipe if you get my meaning? Sorry girls, just making my point.

If you go on your nice holidays, as I know you do, to go skiing, Boris, you might notice that other police forces have a little bit more about them…like AK47s. You would not want to mess around with a French policeman, or an Italian. Even the German women police have neat little uniform ponytails but they pack some armour around their waist. You would not want to mess with them. (well, you might but that is another story, man to man as it were, eh Boris). As to the New York police on telly, they are seriously frightening. 

It is time you had a word, Boris. They are proceeding in the wrong direction, if you get my drift.


All the best (and I hope you find this helpful),
The Last Cockney in Camden Town

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